He Felt No Pain
by BookZombie
Summary: A young psyker looses faith that he can control himself and have to use his psykana mercy blade to end his own life.


(This is a fan fiction set in the Warhamer 40 000 setting. Games Workshop owns this setting, I have no right to it and this story just just written as a tribute to set setting in question and all honor to the pepole that have created this great setting.)

He Felt No Pain

The air was humid and cold, it would rain soon, but that rain Carin would never see. The tall, grunt man stood alone outside the encampment his cell had made to rest and recover from the horrors it had experienced this day. More than one of the aspiring young agents had to nurse wounds, but they had did it, the lesser demon plaguing the good citizen of this Imperial World had been destroyed. In the distance Carin could hear the others celebrate their victory, but he could not celebrate with them, he could never again share either joy nor sorrow with his friends, for to night, Carin knew he had to die.

The young psyker's pale hands held the handle of the mercy blade in a death grip. The weapon's point just pricking the skin above his heart. Carin could feel a droplet of warm blood slide down to his belly. He had been instructed on how to do this during his training. Point the blade towards the heart, and push inwards with one, quick thrust, that was what Carin had been told, he had also been told that if done correctly there would be no pain, the cold steel would just slide into place and his life would end, it would be a kind, merciful death, almost like just falling asleep. Still Carin was afraid, what would become of him when he died? Would the Emperor accept one such as him into his arms?

Carin closed his eyes and tightened his grip on the mercy blade, he must not falter, he did not dare to falter. He had heard the unholy thing his cell had defeated inside his head, heard it's whispers of power, and for a few seconds Carin had been tempted, tempted to betray his faith, his training and his friends for this sweet promise. The temptation had only lasted a moment, but that moment had been enough for Carin to realize that he was no longer safe, corruption was seeping into him, and if he did not die, soon he would be the very thing he hated most, the very thing he and his cell had sworn to destroy. Yet to kill himself, to push a piece of cold steel into his warm beating heart, did he have the strength, the courage to go through with it? Shivering Carin stood in the cold, night air, on the doorstep between life and death, struggling with himself, trying to build up the courage to do what he knew had to be done.

"Carin, what in all that is holy are you doing?" Came a alarmed call from behind the young psyker. Carin slowly turned to see Helena, a talented young Arbitrator serving alongside him in his cell. Over the years of working together Carin had become friends with every member of his cell, but none had he become so close to as Helena. "I did not wish for you to see this Helena." Carin says with a sight. "The moment we always knew could come one day, me being what I am have come. I am no longer safe my friend. I can feel myself falling further and further into corruption, and there is only one thing that can save me from damnation now, and we both know what that one thing is." Helena looked at Carin for a moment before answering, sadness and desperation in her one remaining human eye, her large, clumsy, artificial eye slowly focused on him. "Carin, we can fix this, you are tired from the battle, we all saw horrors we rather not have seen, and you being a psyker, the demon got into your head my friend, just come back to the camp and get some sleep, you do not need to do this." Carin walked over to Helena and put his thin hands on her shoulder. "Yes Helena, the demon did get into my head, and that is why I must do this, having the powers I do, I need perfect control or I am a danger to everyone. I do not want to become corrupted Helena, and I fear even more becoming possessed, if my will is slipping then that might very well happen, and I dread that more than anything. When I was sanctioned when I earned my life and the brand I wear on my shoulder, it was in a large part becouse I had learned to recognize it if I begun to loose control, and becouse I had developed the strength to end my life should that happen. If I do not use this knife, then I betray everything I am, everything I have worked for, and you can not ask me to do that, even if you might be the one person in this world that I care for the most." Helena sigh, then she nodded, she knew that Carin was right, but she desperately did not want to loose her friend, but she realized that if a psyker begun to slip that he had to die, in her career she had killed her share of Carin's kind for being just one step longer down the corruption road than her friend, but one thing was to see a stranger die, it was something else to see the death of a loved one. "I understand Carin, but at least let me do it. I can make it painless, and you do not have to die alone." Helena said, looking into Carin's large, sorrowful, blue eyes. Carin hesitated, he had wanted to spare his friend from witnessing his demise, but to have company would be welcome, for really, who would want to die alone? Nodding he handed the mercy blade to Helena, handle first. The young Arbitrator regretfully took the weapon and looked again up into Carin's blue eyes. "Do not be afraid my friend, the Emperor will look with kindness at your integrity and willingness to die rather than face corruption." Carin smiled and nodded weakly. Helena lifted her hand and gently caressed the young psyker's cheek. "When you are ready my friend." She whispered, Carin closed his eyes and nodded. "Just...just do not leave me Helena." He said, his voice thin and scared. Helena took the mercy blade into a good, solid grip and muttered. "I will stay until you are sleeping Carin...until you are sleeping."

All Carin felt was an impact in his chest, then he lost all strength in his body and he collapsed into Helena's arms and she slowly lowered him to the ground. The last few seconds the young psyker lived he lay in his friend's arms, Helena rocking him slightly back and forth as if trying to get a child to sleep. Neither his instructors nor Helena had lied, he felt no pain, and as the world faded to black, the sky erupted in cold, heavy rain, as if mimicking the lone tear that rolled down Helena's sunburned cheek.

Helena sat for a long while with Carin in her arms. She sat in the ice cold rain, listening to the others celebrating in the camp, unaware that they had lost a comrade this night. Helena sat there mourning in silence until the psyker's body begun to cool, and the ground around them had become red with Carin's blood washed with rainwater. Then she closed the dead psyker's eyes, kissed his forehead and laid him on the ground and begun to walk back towards the camp. 


End file.
